Exhortation - an essay by Jannice Schamel
In January of 2008, we stumbled upon the most amazing mystery. Our family was visiting with another family. When we arrived, the Brother proudly and enthusiastically introduced his family, I saw fleshed out for the first time what it was like to give and receive an exhortation. Perhaps I’d seen it before, but I’d never really understood. This day it was made clear to me as if being shown for the first time.
As each family member was introduced, the father gave a very explicit positive character description of each individual and looked with pride at each one while speaking with his hand on their shoulder. It was exceedingly more than an introduction. It was an exhortation; it was a blessing; it was a statement of not only what each was, but what his expectation was for each. It caused the listeners to respect and admire each individual; to appreciate them in a unique way and expect excellence from each one. Not only did it affect the audience, but also the blessed. Each one introduced stood a little taller and behaved a little more mature and humbled. I could see that this Christian Brother was not just introducing his family, but building his family through this occasion, and teaching those watching how to build their own families. What a simple, yet powerful moment! The mystery that I discovered shouldn’t be a mystery at all. It is an ancient law of knowing how to mold and even change behavior of others through exhortation. This is an amazing tool that can be used to bless not only our children, but our spouses, friends, and employees.
Exhortation, according to Webster’s 1828 dictionary, means: The act or practice of exhorting; the act of inciting to laudable deeds; incitement to that which is good or commendable.
Incite, also according to the original Webster, means: To move the mind to action by persuasion or motives presented; to stir up; to rouse; to spur on.
My compiled definition of exhortation from above: The act of moving the mind to action or rousing by persuasion to praiseworthy deeds.
I’d read Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. I was familiar with the power of words, yet what a beautiful example of using everyday situations intentionally and with purpose! Through the introduction of his family, he had inspired and roused others to praiseworthy deeds. I thought of the many occasions in the last few days that I had hurried along my way missing opportunities to bless my loved ones and mold their character. This man's pattern motivated us to begin exhorting our family, and through this example, I was stirred to see not only the benefits and importance of exhortation, but how to put it into practice in my own life. It is common knowledge that people live up to the expectations placed on them, but how could I learn to get beyond the criticisms I was used to voicing and speak life to my loved ones? Since humans are creatures of habit, changing our habits can be challenging. Taking a specific event such as introductions and learning a new way of doing them, somehow seemed easier to me than the vague idea of exhorting I became excited about the idea of introducing my children to others! Perhaps an example of this would be helpful to you as well.
If I were to introduce you to my 12 children, I would say something like this:
This is Stephani, my eldest daughter. She is the most responsible person you’ll ever meet. If you need something done, give it to Stephani, and she’ll have it done above your expectations. She is a great organizer and researcher. She is our go-to girl.
Amber is truly a jewel. Her greatest desire in life is to glorify God and serve Him. She currently does that by serving her family and working diligently in the family businesses. Amber is gifted with the ability to communicate clearly and dramatically through speech, writing, singing, and song composing. Amber is very creative and fun. She can come up with unique solutions to problems and delights in being her father’s daughter. “Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.” Prov. 31:29
Here is Ben. Benjamin means “son of my right hand” and he is truly his father’s right hand! Ben is analytical and counts the cost of projects. He is also good at detecting potential problems that may arise. Ben is not afraid to speak the truth even if it hurts and is valuable to our family because of his “tell it like it is” boldness.
John is a gift from God. He is very attentive to others and alert to their needs. He enjoys seeing everyone happy. John is our family’s “fix it man”. From a stuck jar lid to a broken disposal, or a challenge with technology, when we need help, we all call “John!”
David is our fearless warrior. Perhaps it’s because he is the youngest of the older three boys and has always worked hard at keeping up with the other two, David is tough, strong, and hard working. He is quick to offer help and serve others. He is sensitive to others and desires to do what is right.
Melody Joy is just what her name indicates. She is a joyful song, the family cheerleader. She is very enthusiastic and has the ability to motivate and excite others. She has a pure heart of gold. She also is an excellent cook!
Grace is a no nonsense natural leader. Grace can speak directly and not fear of pointing out truth. She is a great help with the little ones and is a good example and teacher to them. In Colorado, she is our official breakfast chef.
Job is very outgoing and eager to direct happenings. He too is a natural born leader who loves music. His singing fills our home regularly.
Gabriel Isaac is the sweetest, gentlest young guy you’ll ever meet. Don’t confuse sweet with feminine though! He is all boy! He demonstrated that when he was only a few months old by making a mean face and growling sound at his oldest brother Ben, then turning to mom and giving her a proud grin, then giving the “challenge” face to Ben again.
Keren Rose and Caleb Courage are twins. Keren is a happy helper. She is a good organizer and very capable.
Caleb is a hard worker and loves doing a man's work with his dad & older brothers. He is a sweet little man though too. When they were little, He used to refer to Keren as "Sis Sis", and she called him "Precious".
Beniah Joshua Gideon is our little man who is the warrior that his name indicates. We expect him to keep the Devil on the run as he learns to fight him!
I soon found that as mother, I had the unique opportunity to edify my children to their daddy each day at the dinner table. Each day I try to tell him something that one of the children did that demonstrated a desirable character trait. Praising them to their father is a tool that I wish I’d used much more often. I am making it a goal to edify each child at least once a week at the dinner table, and extend that to bragging on them to someone else during the week too. I am careful to point to the character rather than the deed. For example, one of the boys may have gotten his brothers to work with him in planting the garden. Rather than praising Ben for the deed, I point out the leadership and diligence that he showed by doing the task. This can be done regardless of the outcome of the task. Praising the character gives them a reputation to live up to rather than feeding pride in their own abilities.
In pondering this idea, I thought of the Old Testament blessing. Those ancient ones understood the power of the blessing. They spoke into the lives of their children and affected generations. As I thought of Israel blessing Joseph’s sons, I pondered the use of touch, not only word. It seems important to touch as well as speak. Eye contact is another thing that communicates sincerity. These acts of kindness and respect also edify our progeny. Introductions are a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate all of these things.
I also found that it was easier for me to begin speaking character into the lives of my very small ones as they had not yet exposed their inherent weaknesses of character and I didn’t feel silly saying “mushy” things to them. We can expand our “good boy” to saying, “Job, picking up that toy showed initiative and orderliness! Daddy will be very proud to hear that you are being such a good boy.” As I became more comfortable with talking this way, it didn’t seem so awkward to speak to the older children and others this way. I shake my head at myself in dismay as I think of the years it has taken me to feel comfortable complimenting, edifying, and blessing others. In my past, I felt as if it would sound manipulative, insincere and corny to say such things. Even terms of endearment seemed silly to me. Perhaps words of edification seem strange and foreign to you too. My hope is that in reading these examples that edification will become a standard, effortless part of your communication. I am very grateful to Mr. Phillips for his bold example and the inspiration it has been for our family.
As each family member was introduced, the father gave a very explicit positive character description of each individual and looked with pride at each one while speaking with his hand on their shoulder. It was exceedingly more than an introduction. It was an exhortation; it was a blessing; it was a statement of not only what each was, but what his expectation was for each. It caused the listeners to respect and admire each individual; to appreciate them in a unique way and expect excellence from each one. Not only did it affect the audience, but also the blessed. Each one introduced stood a little taller and behaved a little more mature and humbled. I could see that this Christian Brother was not just introducing his family, but building his family through this occasion, and teaching those watching how to build their own families. What a simple, yet powerful moment! The mystery that I discovered shouldn’t be a mystery at all. It is an ancient law of knowing how to mold and even change behavior of others through exhortation. This is an amazing tool that can be used to bless not only our children, but our spouses, friends, and employees.
Exhortation, according to Webster’s 1828 dictionary, means: The act or practice of exhorting; the act of inciting to laudable deeds; incitement to that which is good or commendable.
Incite, also according to the original Webster, means: To move the mind to action by persuasion or motives presented; to stir up; to rouse; to spur on.
My compiled definition of exhortation from above: The act of moving the mind to action or rousing by persuasion to praiseworthy deeds.
I’d read Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. I was familiar with the power of words, yet what a beautiful example of using everyday situations intentionally and with purpose! Through the introduction of his family, he had inspired and roused others to praiseworthy deeds. I thought of the many occasions in the last few days that I had hurried along my way missing opportunities to bless my loved ones and mold their character. This man's pattern motivated us to begin exhorting our family, and through this example, I was stirred to see not only the benefits and importance of exhortation, but how to put it into practice in my own life. It is common knowledge that people live up to the expectations placed on them, but how could I learn to get beyond the criticisms I was used to voicing and speak life to my loved ones? Since humans are creatures of habit, changing our habits can be challenging. Taking a specific event such as introductions and learning a new way of doing them, somehow seemed easier to me than the vague idea of exhorting I became excited about the idea of introducing my children to others! Perhaps an example of this would be helpful to you as well.
If I were to introduce you to my 12 children, I would say something like this:
This is Stephani, my eldest daughter. She is the most responsible person you’ll ever meet. If you need something done, give it to Stephani, and she’ll have it done above your expectations. She is a great organizer and researcher. She is our go-to girl.
Amber is truly a jewel. Her greatest desire in life is to glorify God and serve Him. She currently does that by serving her family and working diligently in the family businesses. Amber is gifted with the ability to communicate clearly and dramatically through speech, writing, singing, and song composing. Amber is very creative and fun. She can come up with unique solutions to problems and delights in being her father’s daughter. “Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.” Prov. 31:29
Here is Ben. Benjamin means “son of my right hand” and he is truly his father’s right hand! Ben is analytical and counts the cost of projects. He is also good at detecting potential problems that may arise. Ben is not afraid to speak the truth even if it hurts and is valuable to our family because of his “tell it like it is” boldness.
John is a gift from God. He is very attentive to others and alert to their needs. He enjoys seeing everyone happy. John is our family’s “fix it man”. From a stuck jar lid to a broken disposal, or a challenge with technology, when we need help, we all call “John!”
David is our fearless warrior. Perhaps it’s because he is the youngest of the older three boys and has always worked hard at keeping up with the other two, David is tough, strong, and hard working. He is quick to offer help and serve others. He is sensitive to others and desires to do what is right.
Melody Joy is just what her name indicates. She is a joyful song, the family cheerleader. She is very enthusiastic and has the ability to motivate and excite others. She has a pure heart of gold. She also is an excellent cook!
Grace is a no nonsense natural leader. Grace can speak directly and not fear of pointing out truth. She is a great help with the little ones and is a good example and teacher to them. In Colorado, she is our official breakfast chef.
Job is very outgoing and eager to direct happenings. He too is a natural born leader who loves music. His singing fills our home regularly.
Gabriel Isaac is the sweetest, gentlest young guy you’ll ever meet. Don’t confuse sweet with feminine though! He is all boy! He demonstrated that when he was only a few months old by making a mean face and growling sound at his oldest brother Ben, then turning to mom and giving her a proud grin, then giving the “challenge” face to Ben again.
Keren Rose and Caleb Courage are twins. Keren is a happy helper. She is a good organizer and very capable.
Caleb is a hard worker and loves doing a man's work with his dad & older brothers. He is a sweet little man though too. When they were little, He used to refer to Keren as "Sis Sis", and she called him "Precious".
Beniah Joshua Gideon is our little man who is the warrior that his name indicates. We expect him to keep the Devil on the run as he learns to fight him!
I soon found that as mother, I had the unique opportunity to edify my children to their daddy each day at the dinner table. Each day I try to tell him something that one of the children did that demonstrated a desirable character trait. Praising them to their father is a tool that I wish I’d used much more often. I am making it a goal to edify each child at least once a week at the dinner table, and extend that to bragging on them to someone else during the week too. I am careful to point to the character rather than the deed. For example, one of the boys may have gotten his brothers to work with him in planting the garden. Rather than praising Ben for the deed, I point out the leadership and diligence that he showed by doing the task. This can be done regardless of the outcome of the task. Praising the character gives them a reputation to live up to rather than feeding pride in their own abilities.
In pondering this idea, I thought of the Old Testament blessing. Those ancient ones understood the power of the blessing. They spoke into the lives of their children and affected generations. As I thought of Israel blessing Joseph’s sons, I pondered the use of touch, not only word. It seems important to touch as well as speak. Eye contact is another thing that communicates sincerity. These acts of kindness and respect also edify our progeny. Introductions are a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate all of these things.
I also found that it was easier for me to begin speaking character into the lives of my very small ones as they had not yet exposed their inherent weaknesses of character and I didn’t feel silly saying “mushy” things to them. We can expand our “good boy” to saying, “Job, picking up that toy showed initiative and orderliness! Daddy will be very proud to hear that you are being such a good boy.” As I became more comfortable with talking this way, it didn’t seem so awkward to speak to the older children and others this way. I shake my head at myself in dismay as I think of the years it has taken me to feel comfortable complimenting, edifying, and blessing others. In my past, I felt as if it would sound manipulative, insincere and corny to say such things. Even terms of endearment seemed silly to me. Perhaps words of edification seem strange and foreign to you too. My hope is that in reading these examples that edification will become a standard, effortless part of your communication. I am very grateful to Mr. Phillips for his bold example and the inspiration it has been for our family.